If you thought castles weren’t enough and medieval movies were missing cock jokes, weed references, and the word motherfucker, then boy do I have a movie for you! Your Highness sucked. Sucked hard. Let’s see how many penis jokes I can throw in here. If I wasn’t going to write a review, I would have walked out about 20 minutes in. I understand the campy nature of the movie, the ironic action adventure stoner juxtaposition, and the acting choices they made for each character but they forgot one thing: to make the movie funny. There were chuckles here and there but the theater only laughed when prodded with blatant audience pleasers. Even with a should-be amazing cast of Danny McBribe, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel, Your Highness could never get the laughs going and by the time the story was ready to climax, the movie had already pre-ejaculated and there was nothing left to watch.
Nobody laughed. I really wanted to laugh and have a good time…but this movie just didn’t do anything for me. It was immature and juvenile while keeping a very straight face. Your Highness starts with a village of dwarfs. The idea of a a village of dwarfs alone is funny…but in the movie, not so much. It was almost as if they tried too hard to not be “just another weed comedy” and deliver an actual movie that sober people could be tricked into going to. I’m sure Your Highness is going to find its niche of a loyal cult following but for the wider audience, there’s just nothing there. It was limp for an hour and a 45 minutes.
James Franco, Zooey Deschanel, and Danny McBride on horses in Your Highness
Your Highness stars Danny McBride…the quint essential stoner funnyman. He’s the pudgy slacker prince of the kingdom and is constantly out shined by his brother, the obviously gay James Franco. Franco looked as if he was on an episode of SNL the whole time. He’s a great actor but in this movie it looked like amateur hour and he didn’t care how bad the movie would turn out. Early in the movie, we’re introduced to Zooey Deschanel as Belladonna but then she vanishes from the screen for about an hour and you easily forget about her. If you’re a She & Him fan, she does sing. Later on, she’s replaced by Natalie Portman. I have no idea what Portman was doing here. She looks great and you get to see her in a skimpy outfit that rivals Princess Leai (sadly, you don’t see much more than what they show in the trailer). You may think she’s the damsel in distress, but no, that’s Zooey. Natalie is a bad ass warrior chick whose character is hard as…you can insert your own penis joke here!
You're hot shit Natalie, but what are you doing in this piece of shit?
The movie follows Thadeous (Danny McBride) and his brother Fabious (James Franco) on a quest to rescue Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from an evil wizard, Leezar (Justin Theroux) and “The Fuckening” (yes, that’s what it’s called in the movie). It’s Thadeous’s first quest and his brother wants to ensure he learns the ropes. They begin their quest with a perverted wise wizard who probably molested Fabious as a child. They receive a mystical item which will lead them to another mystical item needed to defeat the other wizard (the evil one) and save Belladonna. On the quest, they run into naked white people (read: boobies) and have to battle a horrid hand snake thing (penis joke?) where they meet Isabel (Natalie Portman) who is on her own quest. Boobies and ganja: the perfect formula for a perfect movie, right? Wrong…you have to add penises! Danny McBride actually wears a cock necklace for most of the end of the movie. Zooey even tries to eat it, hilarious.
Justin Theroux as the evil wizard Leezar in Your Highness
There were some high points, though (get it? high? point: me). The special effects were both good and bad. A lot of them were made to look bad on purpose in hopes that you’d laugh at how campy the movie was…didn’t work. Some of the monsters were imaginative and actually looked really good. Same goes for some set designs and the landscape backdrops of Ireland…they rivaled truly epic films. If you like one-liners, there are plenty of quotable quotes in Your Highness like “magic…motherfucker” and “if your vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.” Funny enough most of my favorite lines come from the character I liked the least: Leezar, the evil wizard. But why would anyone like the evil wizard? “Perhaps cause I’m rich, live in a castle and can do magic.” Well the magic didn’t work on me…I was bored and just wanted this movie to end, kind of like how you just want this review to end. Nice.
Tags: Danny McBride, James Franco, Justin Theroux, Natalie Portman, Your Highness, Zooey Deschanel
Matthew Fong created advancescreenings.com and is the lead contributor. He watches every type of movie and will try almost anything twice. You can follow him on twitter here: @matthewfong
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